Spring has sprung in East Tennessee! I think most people that read this have had a spring thaw by now!
Its rejuvinating to the soul, all of the flowers and sunshine! Its amazing how heavy winter can get! The cold, dreary days that turn black before evening. Then when you can handle no more.... SPRING! How quickly we forget the cold. And not only that we expect spring to stick around once it shows its friendly face. Cold days, rainy days are less then tolerated at this point in the season! For now, anyway, it looks like its sticking around. PTL!
I guess our spirits work the same way. There is a quote that I like by Albert Camus. "In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." That has to be the spirit in us. An invincible summer. Always sunny, blue skies, happiness. Can it be that we can truly live in the "summer" all year long? What a new and fabulous way to look at God..... An invincible summer! Go God!
My thoughts about this occured as I was praying for Ethan Bibb and his family as they await his scan results today. I was looking at the beauty of this spring day and realizing what a long day it has been for me waiting to be updated on a child I have never met, yet means so very much to me. It seems so strange.... my pen-pal friendship with Ethans author, my friendship with a family I have never met. I was thinking of them and remembering how long those days were..... they felt like those last dark days of winter! The whole time I felt my spirit was trying to find that invincible summer.... that sunshine, blue sky and happiness! Trying with everything in me to make good out of something bad! Today, I know that was never my job.... that was God's promise and "job" all along. And families like Ethan are the good out of the bad..... We truly are here to comfort others, edify others, bring peace in the chaos, when we can.
May we all allow God to bring the good out of the bad for us..... allow him to help us take that next step in our journey out of the ashes.... whatever that may be for you.
I challenge you to look for that invincible summer in your heart. I have a feeling once we all find it, Gods Sonshine will be brighter!
Kathy
Living Life Out Loud!
Genesis 50:20
Monday, April 12, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Please Pray
Today I am asking you to pray......
Pray for a little boy named Ethan Bibb.
There is probably only one person who reads this blog that knows him. I have never met him or his family.
Ethan is now 9. Ethan was 8 when he was diagnosed with cancer. Not the same cancer as Graham but more of a spinal cord brain cancer. He has had a full round of the best possible treatment. The big guns have been used so to speak. Ethan had a scan. The cancer isn't gone.You know the specifics here aren't important.
A few of you already follow his caring bridge page. Thanks.
I will now ask the rest of you to go there and read the last few posts.
The author of Ethans page is a very close friend of his family. Not his parents. I call her an author because that is what she is. She is the pen pal I wrote about in my first blog. She is special to the Bibb's and has become very special to me. One day we will meet I am sure. That is a day I look forward too...... part of my new adventure.
The family has presented a challenge for those warriors that are willing to take it up!
Please visit Ethans page and challenge yourself, not just for Ethan but for all those children in the same situation. My friends, the number of kids out there with cancer would stagger you. You can look that information up online if you really want it. Maybe you should..... might light a fire!
Today my heart is heavy and uplifted at the same time in knowing that many of you will do this for Ethan and for yourselves.
caringbridge.org/visit/bibb
Kathy
Living life out loud!
Genesis 50:20
Pray for a little boy named Ethan Bibb.
There is probably only one person who reads this blog that knows him. I have never met him or his family.
Ethan is now 9. Ethan was 8 when he was diagnosed with cancer. Not the same cancer as Graham but more of a spinal cord brain cancer. He has had a full round of the best possible treatment. The big guns have been used so to speak. Ethan had a scan. The cancer isn't gone.You know the specifics here aren't important.
A few of you already follow his caring bridge page. Thanks.
I will now ask the rest of you to go there and read the last few posts.
The author of Ethans page is a very close friend of his family. Not his parents. I call her an author because that is what she is. She is the pen pal I wrote about in my first blog. She is special to the Bibb's and has become very special to me. One day we will meet I am sure. That is a day I look forward too...... part of my new adventure.
The family has presented a challenge for those warriors that are willing to take it up!
Please visit Ethans page and challenge yourself, not just for Ethan but for all those children in the same situation. My friends, the number of kids out there with cancer would stagger you. You can look that information up online if you really want it. Maybe you should..... might light a fire!
Today my heart is heavy and uplifted at the same time in knowing that many of you will do this for Ethan and for yourselves.
caringbridge.org/visit/bibb
Kathy
Living life out loud!
Genesis 50:20
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Retreating
Ok..Ok....
After being asked over and over... "when you gonna blog again?" I guess I have to believe there are people out there that are anticipating it and actually want to read my words. That is a hard thing to grasp.
I did a few blogs and said some mushy stuff and did what I do best.... Retreat! I am the Queen of Retreat! Don't get me wrong, I am rarely, if ever, completely alone. There is always somebody around. Karly home schools so she is literally in my face all day! That is not a bad thing, I am just saying it because I don't want you to misunderstand my meaning of retreat. I also don't mean a spa retreat, though I do like to get my toes done when the weather is kind! My retreat is much more subtle. It just happens. I stay home. I can go weeks without ever leaving and thanks to teenagers and my husband I rarely have to. When I say I am hibernating I really am. I prefer the company of my dogs, cats and bird. I love my family but when I am in retreat mode, I am pretty sure I don't pay them much attention. What am I doing in this mode? Waiting I guess.... waiting to be comfortable in a world that I will never be comfortable in again.
I keep thinking that some door is going to swing open and bring in the breath of air, that I need to keep going, but it hasn't happened yet. Again, I love God! You all know that about me. He does bring me Peace in impossible situations. He is good all the time. I also know there are hurts in this life that we have to learn to maneuver in real ways. Someone told me that I need to enter into a rest with God that I haven't since Graham died. What kind of syrupy stuff is that? Lets all get on the same page here about what the loss of Graham is like for me. There will never be a rest like that until I am with him again. I know this first-hand and also from looking in the eyes of others who are 40 years past their loss. Our eyes and hearts speak the same words. When one of these awesome men were asked if it gets any easier. He said NO! Those are true words spoken from a brokenness that only those that have been here understand. Its time we stop acting like it can be fixed with time. No time will fix this or make it better. That is just the fact of it. There will always be a bitter sweetness to my life and every aspect of it. That rest and that joy is reserved for me when I get to Heaven.
Let me reiterate the fact that I am okay. I don't live in chronic depression. I am not sad all the time. I don't cry all the time. I just am. I do what I do without any real reason for doing it! Most stuff in day to day life you just do anyway! Doesn't require much thought so you move through it! I think that applies to all of us.
I suppose I could take up a new career or job and fill my time. It wouldn't be bad to have another income. The problem is my mind and heart are not on the same page with that. I always planned, like most stay at home moms, that I would go back to work someday, when the kids were older and out of school. I figured I would have a great career plan by then. Well my life has been catapulted to that point, years before my heart and mind have. I can not, for the life of me, comprehend where I am now with that. I could do lots of stuff.... really the world is my oyster, within financial reason. Should be rejoicing.... Again a bitter sweetness to this rejoicing. Advice footnote: Never say to someone who has lost a child that the child would not want them to be sad, or in any way imply that the child is sad because we are. If I thought for one second Graham was sad I would kill myself. End of footnote.
Personally I am happy in my retreating. I don't consider it a waste. I don't feel like I have to help anyone be okay to be okay myself. The Holy Spirit is my comforter on the good days. Patron Tequila on the not so good days. Difficult for some to understand but I ask you to reserve judgement for God. At the very least, reserve it just cause its the right thing to do. I have already had that lecture from some well-meaners! The one thing I have always done and continue to do is live out loud! And to know me is to know that I love Jesus, make a mean Rita, Love Rob Thomas and Train, and one day hope to live on an island. Now that would be the ultimate retreat! Especially if I had all that on the island with me! Wait, that would be Heaven! See, I haven't changed all that much in my retreating. I have just found a some-what comfortable place. Those are hard to come by in my life. As I said before, I am never comfortable. Life is a constant battle to avoid the sucker punch of a memory or a what-if! Life was better with Graham here and it will never be comfortable with him gone. So my friends, bear with me while I try to take a breath of fresh air. My lungs haven't had that in awhile and it may take me some time to get a full one. I will keep blogging and you can keep reading and maybe one day I will actually exhale!
Living out loud
Kathy
Genesis 50:20
After being asked over and over... "when you gonna blog again?" I guess I have to believe there are people out there that are anticipating it and actually want to read my words. That is a hard thing to grasp.
I did a few blogs and said some mushy stuff and did what I do best.... Retreat! I am the Queen of Retreat! Don't get me wrong, I am rarely, if ever, completely alone. There is always somebody around. Karly home schools so she is literally in my face all day! That is not a bad thing, I am just saying it because I don't want you to misunderstand my meaning of retreat. I also don't mean a spa retreat, though I do like to get my toes done when the weather is kind! My retreat is much more subtle. It just happens. I stay home. I can go weeks without ever leaving and thanks to teenagers and my husband I rarely have to. When I say I am hibernating I really am. I prefer the company of my dogs, cats and bird. I love my family but when I am in retreat mode, I am pretty sure I don't pay them much attention. What am I doing in this mode? Waiting I guess.... waiting to be comfortable in a world that I will never be comfortable in again.
I keep thinking that some door is going to swing open and bring in the breath of air, that I need to keep going, but it hasn't happened yet. Again, I love God! You all know that about me. He does bring me Peace in impossible situations. He is good all the time. I also know there are hurts in this life that we have to learn to maneuver in real ways. Someone told me that I need to enter into a rest with God that I haven't since Graham died. What kind of syrupy stuff is that? Lets all get on the same page here about what the loss of Graham is like for me. There will never be a rest like that until I am with him again. I know this first-hand and also from looking in the eyes of others who are 40 years past their loss. Our eyes and hearts speak the same words. When one of these awesome men were asked if it gets any easier. He said NO! Those are true words spoken from a brokenness that only those that have been here understand. Its time we stop acting like it can be fixed with time. No time will fix this or make it better. That is just the fact of it. There will always be a bitter sweetness to my life and every aspect of it. That rest and that joy is reserved for me when I get to Heaven.
Let me reiterate the fact that I am okay. I don't live in chronic depression. I am not sad all the time. I don't cry all the time. I just am. I do what I do without any real reason for doing it! Most stuff in day to day life you just do anyway! Doesn't require much thought so you move through it! I think that applies to all of us.
I suppose I could take up a new career or job and fill my time. It wouldn't be bad to have another income. The problem is my mind and heart are not on the same page with that. I always planned, like most stay at home moms, that I would go back to work someday, when the kids were older and out of school. I figured I would have a great career plan by then. Well my life has been catapulted to that point, years before my heart and mind have. I can not, for the life of me, comprehend where I am now with that. I could do lots of stuff.... really the world is my oyster, within financial reason. Should be rejoicing.... Again a bitter sweetness to this rejoicing. Advice footnote: Never say to someone who has lost a child that the child would not want them to be sad, or in any way imply that the child is sad because we are. If I thought for one second Graham was sad I would kill myself. End of footnote.
Personally I am happy in my retreating. I don't consider it a waste. I don't feel like I have to help anyone be okay to be okay myself. The Holy Spirit is my comforter on the good days. Patron Tequila on the not so good days. Difficult for some to understand but I ask you to reserve judgement for God. At the very least, reserve it just cause its the right thing to do. I have already had that lecture from some well-meaners! The one thing I have always done and continue to do is live out loud! And to know me is to know that I love Jesus, make a mean Rita, Love Rob Thomas and Train, and one day hope to live on an island. Now that would be the ultimate retreat! Especially if I had all that on the island with me! Wait, that would be Heaven! See, I haven't changed all that much in my retreating. I have just found a some-what comfortable place. Those are hard to come by in my life. As I said before, I am never comfortable. Life is a constant battle to avoid the sucker punch of a memory or a what-if! Life was better with Graham here and it will never be comfortable with him gone. So my friends, bear with me while I try to take a breath of fresh air. My lungs haven't had that in awhile and it may take me some time to get a full one. I will keep blogging and you can keep reading and maybe one day I will actually exhale!
Living out loud
Kathy
Genesis 50:20
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Pages
Hello!
I have been blown away by the comments, and private messages I have received since I sent out the link. I sent it to a few, then a few more. Then others were sending it on. I thank you and am humbled that you would still be interested in this journey. Everyone has been so supportive. Many of you mentioned different conversations that we have had in the past and I am still very thankful that Graham's life has impacted so many. A few of you mentioned that you were going to try to live a little more "Out Loud". I would love to know what you are doing to accomplish that so keep me informed.
Now I am going to do one more thing, more for me than for you. I am going to try to explain the getting behind thing. While I am explaining my take on it, I hope it also helps you understand why I have, for lack of a better word, retreated.
It's funny how I categorize my life now. I can't say I ever did this before, but I do now. I have the life before Graham got sick, his remission and relapse, and after he died. Those are my categories. Units of my life story. In those units are chapters and pages. We all have these units, chapters and pages. If you are very lucky in life you find friends that have similiar chapters. Similiar pages. You may get really lucky and have a bunch of these people. The latter is my case.
I can not tell you the people out there, reading this, that I consider a friend. Those people I know I can call right now, whether I have talked to you lately or not, who would be here in 10 minutes no matter what it was I needed. Most people have a few, I have bunches! And I could never tell you, or show you in this lifetime, but my thanks is as heartfelt as my grief.
Okay back to our books of life.....
My last chapter was when Graham died. My book stopped. Sure I have had some good times, some great times since then, but my book stopped being written from my perspective. I have just been waiting patiently for Jesus to come get me. I have not turned a page in 2 years. I am not beating myself up over this. I think its just what can happen.
So while my book was earmarked on that last chapter, you all continued writing. Boy have you been writing and printing and writing some more.
Some of you have gone through life-changing events yourselves, writing unbelievable chapters and pages. Some happy, some sad. Living lives that I am privelaged to even be a part of.
With all that said, and now that I have you on my page for a minute, let me tell you that catching up with the world is hard. It may be impossible. I am going to try and I believe that the next unit will be an adventure only God could give.
Recently God has opened up my book again, titled a new chapter and handed me the pen. He is telling me that no matter what page we are on, if we wait for others to be on that same page, we may never get another chapter. No matter how hard it is you have to keep writing the pages so you can close one chapter and move on to the next. I believe that is what this is about for me. I pray God uses it for His glory in some way. Without Him there would be no more pages.
So, I am going to the best of my ability, with His help, begin to write a sentence. I will commit to a sentence. I am hoping that the sentences flow together to finish a paragraph. I think the more paragraphs we are willing to write for God the better the book! I am very happy so many of you still want to be a part of my book!
Thanks again for "hearing me".
Living out loud!
Kathy
Genesis 50:20
I have been blown away by the comments, and private messages I have received since I sent out the link. I sent it to a few, then a few more. Then others were sending it on. I thank you and am humbled that you would still be interested in this journey. Everyone has been so supportive. Many of you mentioned different conversations that we have had in the past and I am still very thankful that Graham's life has impacted so many. A few of you mentioned that you were going to try to live a little more "Out Loud". I would love to know what you are doing to accomplish that so keep me informed.
Now I am going to do one more thing, more for me than for you. I am going to try to explain the getting behind thing. While I am explaining my take on it, I hope it also helps you understand why I have, for lack of a better word, retreated.
It's funny how I categorize my life now. I can't say I ever did this before, but I do now. I have the life before Graham got sick, his remission and relapse, and after he died. Those are my categories. Units of my life story. In those units are chapters and pages. We all have these units, chapters and pages. If you are very lucky in life you find friends that have similiar chapters. Similiar pages. You may get really lucky and have a bunch of these people. The latter is my case.
I can not tell you the people out there, reading this, that I consider a friend. Those people I know I can call right now, whether I have talked to you lately or not, who would be here in 10 minutes no matter what it was I needed. Most people have a few, I have bunches! And I could never tell you, or show you in this lifetime, but my thanks is as heartfelt as my grief.
Okay back to our books of life.....
My last chapter was when Graham died. My book stopped. Sure I have had some good times, some great times since then, but my book stopped being written from my perspective. I have just been waiting patiently for Jesus to come get me. I have not turned a page in 2 years. I am not beating myself up over this. I think its just what can happen.
So while my book was earmarked on that last chapter, you all continued writing. Boy have you been writing and printing and writing some more.
Some of you have gone through life-changing events yourselves, writing unbelievable chapters and pages. Some happy, some sad. Living lives that I am privelaged to even be a part of.
With all that said, and now that I have you on my page for a minute, let me tell you that catching up with the world is hard. It may be impossible. I am going to try and I believe that the next unit will be an adventure only God could give.
Recently God has opened up my book again, titled a new chapter and handed me the pen. He is telling me that no matter what page we are on, if we wait for others to be on that same page, we may never get another chapter. No matter how hard it is you have to keep writing the pages so you can close one chapter and move on to the next. I believe that is what this is about for me. I pray God uses it for His glory in some way. Without Him there would be no more pages.
So, I am going to the best of my ability, with His help, begin to write a sentence. I will commit to a sentence. I am hoping that the sentences flow together to finish a paragraph. I think the more paragraphs we are willing to write for God the better the book! I am very happy so many of you still want to be a part of my book!
Thanks again for "hearing me".
Living out loud!
Kathy
Genesis 50:20
Monday, January 18, 2010
Why Not?
Okay, I guess I will start by saying I have been thinking about doing this for a year and looking at this blank page for a month. What motivated me to finally type something and hit send? A friend I have never met and a friend I haven't seen in 2 years.
After Graham died, a little over two years ago, I had a friend comment how much they were going to miss the care page updates I did for everyone. She even said to me "why not write a blog or something... Kathy's Inspirations....?" She may read this and remember that encounter. If you do, my friend, know that I never forgot it! At that time I really thought I was done with this page keeping stuff. Well, I guess God has another plan because I have "Stuff" I still need to say about this journey that our family is on.
Its taken two years to start because:
1. My world stopped spinning
2. Yours didn't
Can you imagine trying to catch up with everyone after two years?
Well, here I am I think. Maybe.... okay lets face it, I am not sure where I am or where I am going but I know it includes this blog.
This super special blog... Grahams Magic
I will anchor this blog with the scripture that I ended Graham's care page with.
Genesis 50:20 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."
That was Graham. That is definitely magic. Now you get the name of the page!
What it will be about is unwritten. I hope it will be whatever you need at the moment. I think God works that way so I will trust that He will lead my words when I post.
I am embarking on a new adventure with a friend, I call her a friend, we have never met... shes kind of like a pen pal. Funny I know. God? Absolutely! I can't give details on the adventure, its still in the baby phase. I think God is going to do some supernatural growth though so it shouldn't be long.
You can thank her when I finally hit the publish button at the bottom of my screen!
I was relaying a thought to her about grief. Why would I want to stay in a place that is so painful? Why would I not be doing everything to move forward? Of course, my grief is not every ones, but we all have pain we can relate to this. My answer to the Why was.... I don't move forward because I have already done the hardest most challenging thing I could do. I lost a child. I navigate that everyday which is challenge enough don't you think? I know at the end of some, most days, I am physically and emotionally exhausted from the navigation. What more can be accomplished? I am just waiting my turn now! That is my thought process... not a bad process to me. The problem lies in how far behind you get. The fact you stop looking for anything.....let alone another challenge. (That is another post by the way.)
My pals response was very simple and very true. Why Not? She mentioned that along with that loss, I lost my fear. The worst has happened. What is there to be scared of? I have never thought of myself as fearless but you know what? I am! I absolutely live without the fear of tomorrow. What is the worse case scenario? I die and go be with Graham?
This doesn't mean I live reckless. I would love to hang glide again but I will not be jumping out of a plane. That to me is just craziness. I do want to see my grandchildren one day. What it does mean is, if I have already done the hardest thing I could ever do, what is stopping me from doing my life? I can do anything! Surely I can do this!
So here we go....
This brings us to the fact that in a second I am going to have to hit that publish button and begin this adventure......
I hope you will continue on this journey with me.
Why?????
Why Not?
Living out loud!
Kathy
Genesis 50:20
After Graham died, a little over two years ago, I had a friend comment how much they were going to miss the care page updates I did for everyone. She even said to me "why not write a blog or something... Kathy's Inspirations....?" She may read this and remember that encounter. If you do, my friend, know that I never forgot it! At that time I really thought I was done with this page keeping stuff. Well, I guess God has another plan because I have "Stuff" I still need to say about this journey that our family is on.
Its taken two years to start because:
1. My world stopped spinning
2. Yours didn't
Can you imagine trying to catch up with everyone after two years?
Well, here I am I think. Maybe.... okay lets face it, I am not sure where I am or where I am going but I know it includes this blog.
This super special blog... Grahams Magic
I will anchor this blog with the scripture that I ended Graham's care page with.
Genesis 50:20 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."
That was Graham. That is definitely magic. Now you get the name of the page!
What it will be about is unwritten. I hope it will be whatever you need at the moment. I think God works that way so I will trust that He will lead my words when I post.
I am embarking on a new adventure with a friend, I call her a friend, we have never met... shes kind of like a pen pal. Funny I know. God? Absolutely! I can't give details on the adventure, its still in the baby phase. I think God is going to do some supernatural growth though so it shouldn't be long.
You can thank her when I finally hit the publish button at the bottom of my screen!
I was relaying a thought to her about grief. Why would I want to stay in a place that is so painful? Why would I not be doing everything to move forward? Of course, my grief is not every ones, but we all have pain we can relate to this. My answer to the Why was.... I don't move forward because I have already done the hardest most challenging thing I could do. I lost a child. I navigate that everyday which is challenge enough don't you think? I know at the end of some, most days, I am physically and emotionally exhausted from the navigation. What more can be accomplished? I am just waiting my turn now! That is my thought process... not a bad process to me. The problem lies in how far behind you get. The fact you stop looking for anything.....let alone another challenge. (That is another post by the way.)
My pals response was very simple and very true. Why Not? She mentioned that along with that loss, I lost my fear. The worst has happened. What is there to be scared of? I have never thought of myself as fearless but you know what? I am! I absolutely live without the fear of tomorrow. What is the worse case scenario? I die and go be with Graham?
This doesn't mean I live reckless. I would love to hang glide again but I will not be jumping out of a plane. That to me is just craziness. I do want to see my grandchildren one day. What it does mean is, if I have already done the hardest thing I could ever do, what is stopping me from doing my life? I can do anything! Surely I can do this!
So here we go....
This brings us to the fact that in a second I am going to have to hit that publish button and begin this adventure......
I hope you will continue on this journey with me.
Why?????
Why Not?
Living out loud!
Kathy
Genesis 50:20
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