Today I am asking you to pray......
Pray for a little boy named Ethan Bibb.
There is probably only one person who reads this blog that knows him. I have never met him or his family.
Ethan is now 9. Ethan was 8 when he was diagnosed with cancer. Not the same cancer as Graham but more of a spinal cord brain cancer. He has had a full round of the best possible treatment. The big guns have been used so to speak. Ethan had a scan. The cancer isn't gone.You know the specifics here aren't important.
A few of you already follow his caring bridge page. Thanks.
I will now ask the rest of you to go there and read the last few posts.
The author of Ethans page is a very close friend of his family. Not his parents. I call her an author because that is what she is. She is the pen pal I wrote about in my first blog. She is special to the Bibb's and has become very special to me. One day we will meet I am sure. That is a day I look forward too...... part of my new adventure.
The family has presented a challenge for those warriors that are willing to take it up!
Please visit Ethans page and challenge yourself, not just for Ethan but for all those children in the same situation. My friends, the number of kids out there with cancer would stagger you. You can look that information up online if you really want it. Maybe you should..... might light a fire!
Today my heart is heavy and uplifted at the same time in knowing that many of you will do this for Ethan and for yourselves.
caringbridge.org/visit/bibb
Kathy
Living life out loud!
Genesis 50:20
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Retreating
Ok..Ok....
After being asked over and over... "when you gonna blog again?" I guess I have to believe there are people out there that are anticipating it and actually want to read my words. That is a hard thing to grasp.
I did a few blogs and said some mushy stuff and did what I do best.... Retreat! I am the Queen of Retreat! Don't get me wrong, I am rarely, if ever, completely alone. There is always somebody around. Karly home schools so she is literally in my face all day! That is not a bad thing, I am just saying it because I don't want you to misunderstand my meaning of retreat. I also don't mean a spa retreat, though I do like to get my toes done when the weather is kind! My retreat is much more subtle. It just happens. I stay home. I can go weeks without ever leaving and thanks to teenagers and my husband I rarely have to. When I say I am hibernating I really am. I prefer the company of my dogs, cats and bird. I love my family but when I am in retreat mode, I am pretty sure I don't pay them much attention. What am I doing in this mode? Waiting I guess.... waiting to be comfortable in a world that I will never be comfortable in again.
I keep thinking that some door is going to swing open and bring in the breath of air, that I need to keep going, but it hasn't happened yet. Again, I love God! You all know that about me. He does bring me Peace in impossible situations. He is good all the time. I also know there are hurts in this life that we have to learn to maneuver in real ways. Someone told me that I need to enter into a rest with God that I haven't since Graham died. What kind of syrupy stuff is that? Lets all get on the same page here about what the loss of Graham is like for me. There will never be a rest like that until I am with him again. I know this first-hand and also from looking in the eyes of others who are 40 years past their loss. Our eyes and hearts speak the same words. When one of these awesome men were asked if it gets any easier. He said NO! Those are true words spoken from a brokenness that only those that have been here understand. Its time we stop acting like it can be fixed with time. No time will fix this or make it better. That is just the fact of it. There will always be a bitter sweetness to my life and every aspect of it. That rest and that joy is reserved for me when I get to Heaven.
Let me reiterate the fact that I am okay. I don't live in chronic depression. I am not sad all the time. I don't cry all the time. I just am. I do what I do without any real reason for doing it! Most stuff in day to day life you just do anyway! Doesn't require much thought so you move through it! I think that applies to all of us.
I suppose I could take up a new career or job and fill my time. It wouldn't be bad to have another income. The problem is my mind and heart are not on the same page with that. I always planned, like most stay at home moms, that I would go back to work someday, when the kids were older and out of school. I figured I would have a great career plan by then. Well my life has been catapulted to that point, years before my heart and mind have. I can not, for the life of me, comprehend where I am now with that. I could do lots of stuff.... really the world is my oyster, within financial reason. Should be rejoicing.... Again a bitter sweetness to this rejoicing. Advice footnote: Never say to someone who has lost a child that the child would not want them to be sad, or in any way imply that the child is sad because we are. If I thought for one second Graham was sad I would kill myself. End of footnote.
Personally I am happy in my retreating. I don't consider it a waste. I don't feel like I have to help anyone be okay to be okay myself. The Holy Spirit is my comforter on the good days. Patron Tequila on the not so good days. Difficult for some to understand but I ask you to reserve judgement for God. At the very least, reserve it just cause its the right thing to do. I have already had that lecture from some well-meaners! The one thing I have always done and continue to do is live out loud! And to know me is to know that I love Jesus, make a mean Rita, Love Rob Thomas and Train, and one day hope to live on an island. Now that would be the ultimate retreat! Especially if I had all that on the island with me! Wait, that would be Heaven! See, I haven't changed all that much in my retreating. I have just found a some-what comfortable place. Those are hard to come by in my life. As I said before, I am never comfortable. Life is a constant battle to avoid the sucker punch of a memory or a what-if! Life was better with Graham here and it will never be comfortable with him gone. So my friends, bear with me while I try to take a breath of fresh air. My lungs haven't had that in awhile and it may take me some time to get a full one. I will keep blogging and you can keep reading and maybe one day I will actually exhale!
Living out loud
Kathy
Genesis 50:20
After being asked over and over... "when you gonna blog again?" I guess I have to believe there are people out there that are anticipating it and actually want to read my words. That is a hard thing to grasp.
I did a few blogs and said some mushy stuff and did what I do best.... Retreat! I am the Queen of Retreat! Don't get me wrong, I am rarely, if ever, completely alone. There is always somebody around. Karly home schools so she is literally in my face all day! That is not a bad thing, I am just saying it because I don't want you to misunderstand my meaning of retreat. I also don't mean a spa retreat, though I do like to get my toes done when the weather is kind! My retreat is much more subtle. It just happens. I stay home. I can go weeks without ever leaving and thanks to teenagers and my husband I rarely have to. When I say I am hibernating I really am. I prefer the company of my dogs, cats and bird. I love my family but when I am in retreat mode, I am pretty sure I don't pay them much attention. What am I doing in this mode? Waiting I guess.... waiting to be comfortable in a world that I will never be comfortable in again.
I keep thinking that some door is going to swing open and bring in the breath of air, that I need to keep going, but it hasn't happened yet. Again, I love God! You all know that about me. He does bring me Peace in impossible situations. He is good all the time. I also know there are hurts in this life that we have to learn to maneuver in real ways. Someone told me that I need to enter into a rest with God that I haven't since Graham died. What kind of syrupy stuff is that? Lets all get on the same page here about what the loss of Graham is like for me. There will never be a rest like that until I am with him again. I know this first-hand and also from looking in the eyes of others who are 40 years past their loss. Our eyes and hearts speak the same words. When one of these awesome men were asked if it gets any easier. He said NO! Those are true words spoken from a brokenness that only those that have been here understand. Its time we stop acting like it can be fixed with time. No time will fix this or make it better. That is just the fact of it. There will always be a bitter sweetness to my life and every aspect of it. That rest and that joy is reserved for me when I get to Heaven.
Let me reiterate the fact that I am okay. I don't live in chronic depression. I am not sad all the time. I don't cry all the time. I just am. I do what I do without any real reason for doing it! Most stuff in day to day life you just do anyway! Doesn't require much thought so you move through it! I think that applies to all of us.
I suppose I could take up a new career or job and fill my time. It wouldn't be bad to have another income. The problem is my mind and heart are not on the same page with that. I always planned, like most stay at home moms, that I would go back to work someday, when the kids were older and out of school. I figured I would have a great career plan by then. Well my life has been catapulted to that point, years before my heart and mind have. I can not, for the life of me, comprehend where I am now with that. I could do lots of stuff.... really the world is my oyster, within financial reason. Should be rejoicing.... Again a bitter sweetness to this rejoicing. Advice footnote: Never say to someone who has lost a child that the child would not want them to be sad, or in any way imply that the child is sad because we are. If I thought for one second Graham was sad I would kill myself. End of footnote.
Personally I am happy in my retreating. I don't consider it a waste. I don't feel like I have to help anyone be okay to be okay myself. The Holy Spirit is my comforter on the good days. Patron Tequila on the not so good days. Difficult for some to understand but I ask you to reserve judgement for God. At the very least, reserve it just cause its the right thing to do. I have already had that lecture from some well-meaners! The one thing I have always done and continue to do is live out loud! And to know me is to know that I love Jesus, make a mean Rita, Love Rob Thomas and Train, and one day hope to live on an island. Now that would be the ultimate retreat! Especially if I had all that on the island with me! Wait, that would be Heaven! See, I haven't changed all that much in my retreating. I have just found a some-what comfortable place. Those are hard to come by in my life. As I said before, I am never comfortable. Life is a constant battle to avoid the sucker punch of a memory or a what-if! Life was better with Graham here and it will never be comfortable with him gone. So my friends, bear with me while I try to take a breath of fresh air. My lungs haven't had that in awhile and it may take me some time to get a full one. I will keep blogging and you can keep reading and maybe one day I will actually exhale!
Living out loud
Kathy
Genesis 50:20
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